Infertility Update 2:
STILL trying
(this was written years ago)

It
is with sadness I present you with infertility update 2. Yes... we are
STILL trying... well actually, we're kinda not trying anymore.
It's just too much heartache and sadness.
It's funny, but I saw an old email I had sent to my sister-in-law
back in 2009 (we are now in March 2012 at the time of writing this
update), and it said something along the lines of us really wanting to
get serious about having children, but that we were going to not worry
too much for a while... which makes me think that we have actually been
trying a lot longer than we have been willing to admit, not only to
ourselves, but to others.
Infertility Update 2:
How do I feel this far into my lack-of-conception-journey?
Well,
I've been through hope, sadness, hope, longing, hope, bitterness,
anger, giving up, denial, depression, and finally to where I am now -
which is numb with all hope gone verging upon the border of acceptance
of my fate.
I've tried hiding from people who have babies, and been sad
that it is just something that happens so naturally for others, I've
felt angry at the world that it's something I can't control, like others
seem to be able to do. Am I exaggerating? I don't think so, and I'm
more than happy to back up my thesis with some solid evidence.
Let me give you some examples:
Example One:
The most recent example is when we booked a holiday about 9
months ago. We decided to go with 2 other couples and my husbands best
friend on a cruise (which I just got back from 3 days ago - it was
awesome by the way and our first real holiday in 5 years).
One of the couples said they were booking the best room possible
on the cruise, because they planned to be pregnant by then (hmm that
would be nice to 'plan').
So... guess what text I received the night before our cruise from
this couple? You already know the answer right! They were pregnant. Oh
to be able to predict and say how and when things are going to happen
like that.
My plan to escape all pregnant people whilst on my cruise was
kind of thwarted at this point. But you know what, I handled it all
quite well I feel, considering we sat with them, ate with them,
snorkeled with them, and were left to party alone at night because they
had to look after a baby in the tummy.
Thankfully I had reached the 'numb' stage before going on this cruise. It helps you digest things better.
I remember my husband delicately trying to tell me when he got
the text first that they were pregnant... it was almost as if he was too
scared to tell me in-case I would break. But I don't see breaking as an
option anyway.
A few of my friends have had their baby showers and are on to
baby and toddler birthday parties. I just can't bring myself to go. I'm
happy for them, don't get me wrong on that... but it's just too much for
me - knowing what I am missing out on. So I ignore Facebook invitations
and just pretend these things aren't happening.
Example 2:
Another friend had only been trying a year and a half and was
acting like the world was ending, she got pregnant and miscarried three
times, but after a couple of doctor appointments, is now halfway through
her pregnancy which is going great guns now.
We shared a lot of our pain together whilst trying for a baby -
even though she was only on the journey with me for a very short time.
We talked about how friends would post all over facebook about their
babies and how it was hard to deal with. And now she is doing the same
thing, but more than that is the sad feeling I have of being discarded.
I've been forgotten. And because I'm not in the 'having a baby club' or
the 'we've had babies club', I guess I'm not needed from her any more.
FOR THE RECORD:
I want anyone out there to know that if I make it to 'the
other side' I won't leave you behind and forget your pain. I won't
become part of an exclusive club that you aren't allowed into anymore. I
will always have my heart open regardless of the circumstances.
Infertility Update 2:
Here's some things that come to mind:
-
People say having kids puts a strain on the relationship - try not
being able to have kids and see how that strains a relationship!
- Shit IVF is expensive. But there's no price on failing IVF
after spending every penny you DON'T have on it... kind of makes me
scared to want to try it.
- Surrogacy seems like a good option, but again very expensive and emotionally draining.
- Adoption also seems like a great option, but I would have to
travel overseas for that and it's not only an expensive process, but one
that could drag out for years... would I have the strength to endure
that?
So as you can probably tell by my thought patterns, I have a lot
to weigh up. A lot is on my mind, and I seem to be caught in a
crossroad. Crossroads was a great album by Bon Jovi.
Does it sound like I've given up on the option of naturally conceiving?
Well that's debatable. My heart tells me it's not going to
happen. My mind tells me it can. Trouble is, I've always been ruled by
my heart.
It has been 8 months since I had my operation to remove a polyp
which was supposed to make things all rosy. It's been 5 months since I
got excited and saw 2 nice forming follicles, only to be disappointed
again by nothing.
Well if you have just read my depressing horror story, thanks for
making it to the end. I wanted to wait until I felt in a more positive
mind frame before posting my next update... but sadly it never came, so
here I am writing this now!
Sorry to be such a downer, but I'm just trying to keep as honest as possible.
That's all for infertility update 2.
If you are caught in this nightmare too, I wish you all the best
and am sprinkling baby dust from here to where you are sitting right
now!
Kristy xo
Read the next part of my journey
here.