Infertility Update 2: STILL trying (this was written years ago)

Infertility Update 2:
STILL trying

(this was written years ago)

It is with sadness I present you with infertility update 2. Yes... we are STILL trying... well actually, we're kinda not trying anymore. It's just too much heartache and sadness.
It's funny, but I saw an old email I had sent to my sister-in-law back in 2009 (we are now in March 2012 at the time of writing this update), and it said something along the lines of us really wanting to get serious about having children, but that we were going to not worry too much for a while... which makes me think that we have actually been trying a lot longer than we have been willing to admit, not only to ourselves, but to others.

Infertility Update 2:
How do I feel this far into my lack-of-conception-journey?

Well, I've been through hope, sadness, hope, longing, hope, bitterness, anger, giving up, denial, depression, and finally to where I am now - which is numb with all hope gone verging upon the border of acceptance of my fate. I've tried hiding from people who have babies, and been sad that it is just something that happens so naturally for others, I've felt angry at the world that it's something I can't control, like others seem to be able to do. Am I exaggerating? I don't think so, and I'm more than happy to back up my thesis with some solid evidence.

Let me give you some examples:

Example One:

The most recent example is when we booked a holiday about 9 months ago. We decided to go with 2 other couples and my husbands best friend on a cruise (which I just got back from 3 days ago - it was awesome by the way and our first real holiday in 5 years).
One of the couples said they were booking the best room possible on the cruise, because they planned to be pregnant by then (hmm that would be nice to 'plan').
So... guess what text I received the night before our cruise from this couple? You already know the answer right! They were pregnant. Oh to be able to predict and say how and when things are going to happen like that.
My plan to escape all pregnant people whilst on my cruise was kind of thwarted at this point. But you know what, I handled it all quite well I feel, considering we sat with them, ate with them, snorkeled with them, and were left to party alone at night because they had to look after a baby in the tummy.
Thankfully I had reached the 'numb' stage before going on this cruise. It helps you digest things better.
I remember my husband delicately trying to tell me when he got the text first that they were pregnant... it was almost as if he was too scared to tell me in-case I would break. But I don't see breaking as an option anyway.
A few of my friends have had their baby showers and are on to baby and toddler birthday parties. I just can't bring myself to go. I'm happy for them, don't get me wrong on that... but it's just too much for me - knowing what I am missing out on. So I ignore Facebook invitations and just pretend these things aren't happening.

Example 2:

Another friend had only been trying a year and a half and was acting like the world was ending, she got pregnant and miscarried three times, but after a couple of doctor appointments, is now halfway through her pregnancy which is going great guns now.
We shared a lot of our pain together whilst trying for a baby - even though she was only on the journey with me for a very short time. We talked about how friends would post all over facebook about their babies and how it was hard to deal with. And now she is doing the same thing, but more than that is the sad feeling I have of being discarded. I've been forgotten. And because I'm not in the 'having a baby club' or the 'we've had babies club', I guess I'm not needed from her any more.

FOR THE RECORD:

I want anyone out there to know that if I make it to 'the other side' I won't leave you behind and forget your pain. I won't become part of an exclusive club that you aren't allowed into anymore. I will always have my heart open regardless of the circumstances.

Infertility Update 2:
Here's some things that come to mind:

- People say having kids puts a strain on the relationship - try not being able to have kids and see how that strains a relationship! - Shit IVF is expensive. But there's no price on failing IVF after spending every penny you DON'T have on it... kind of makes me scared to want to try it.
- Surrogacy seems like a good option, but again very expensive and emotionally draining.
- Adoption also seems like a great option, but I would have to travel overseas for that and it's not only an expensive process, but one that could drag out for years... would I have the strength to endure that?
So as you can probably tell by my thought patterns, I have a lot to weigh up. A lot is on my mind, and I seem to be caught in a crossroad. Crossroads was a great album by Bon Jovi.
Does it sound like I've given up on the option of naturally conceiving?
Well that's debatable. My heart tells me it's not going to happen. My mind tells me it can. Trouble is, I've always been ruled by my heart.
It has been 8 months since I had my operation to remove a polyp which was supposed to make things all rosy. It's been 5 months since I got excited and saw 2 nice forming follicles, only to be disappointed again by nothing.
Well if you have just read my depressing horror story, thanks for making it to the end. I wanted to wait until I felt in a more positive mind frame before posting my next update... but sadly it never came, so here I am writing this now!
Sorry to be such a downer, but I'm just trying to keep as honest as possible.
That's all for infertility update 2.
If you are caught in this nightmare too, I wish you all the best and am sprinkling baby dust from here to where you are sitting right now! Kristy xo


Read the next part of my journey here.